I very much enjoyed writing some of my college papers. In my junior year, for example, I took a class on the psychology of the unconscious. I didn’t particularly like the class but I loved writing the final paper. I was interested in how contemporary psychological theories understood an old religious question: Do we come to feel good about ourselves by doing good works or do we need more direct ways of transforming painful feelings like guilt and shame?

Because I chose a topic that was of great personal interest to me, I got very involved in writing my paper. I read a lot of books and wrote until I felt I had answered the question to my satisfaction. As a result, the paper was much longer than the assignment required. When I turned it in, the professor complained about the length and accused me of turning in a paper I had written for another class.

Why am I telling this story here? Often, when people are trying to find their life path, they’re encouraged to think about what is sometimes called their “skill set”. The idea seems to be that if you make a list of your skills-e.g. good at communication, good with computers-you can then use this list to figure out what you want to do with your life. If you’re good at communication and computers, you might want to be in sales or management. If you’re good with kids, you might want to be a teacher, and so on. The idea seems to be that, if you can capture your skill set in a resume, you’ll be on the path to finding your life direction.

I don’t think the story about writing my college paper is unusual. I think many people have had experiences like this in their lives. But they often don’t understand how to use these experiences to help them find their life path. So, let me begin that process by introducing the second Lost Highway Blues Rule of the Road:

DON’T WRITE A RESUME (to figure out what you want to do with your life).

Writing my paper was a great experience. But it wasn’t a great experience because it allowed me to use my writing “skill set” (a skill set I didn’t even think I had.) It was a great experience because writing it really mattered to me. It mattered so much that

1) I was willing to put in a lot more work than was actually required for the course;

2) I was willing to give up other things that were important to me-time with my friends, going out, free time-in order to spend time on my paper;

3) I was motivated primarily by internal satisfactions (wanting to answer my question), not external ones (like wanting to get a good grade);

4) I was willing to take risks, such as getting a negative reaction from my professor;

5) I chose to do something-writing-that I would not have chosen to do in another context (such as writing a research paper, which I managed to avoid throughout college).

If you’re struggling to find your life path, don’t write a resume. Instead, think about things you’ve done in your life, in both work and play, that had one or more of the qualities I’ve just listed.

FINDING YOUR LIFE PATH MEANS FINDING WHAT MATTERS TO YOU.

If you’re willing to do one or more of these five things, you’ve found something that matters.

If you start thinking along these lines and come to the conclusion that you haven’t had any experiences that mattered to you in this way or that they’ve been too few and far between to be useful to you in finding your life path, psychotherapy may be able to help you. People sometimes hold themselves back from having experiences that could matter to them because they feel these experiences could be dangerous. For example, they may feel afraid to take a risk because they’re afraid of being shamed or humiliated. Or they may not be able to make time for a meaningful activity because they are afraid to say no to a friend or partner who wants their time.

I’ll have more to say about these issues in future blogs. In the mean time, I welcome your comments and questions. I review all comments before posting them and will not post anything that I think will make this an unsafe place to post your thoughts. Until next time…Jane

]]> http://losthighwayblues.com/dont-write-a-resume/feed/ http://losthighwayblues.com/dont-do-what-youre-good-at/ http://losthighwayblues.com/dont-do-what-youre-good-at/#comments Mon, 24 Mar 2008 00:38:50 +0000 jane http://losthighwayblues.com/8 For me, the most daunting challenge of starting a website was facing up to the fact that I’d have to write on a regular basis. I don’t like to write. I consider not having to write one of the perks of my work as a therapist.

I struggled for months over how to communicate regularly to my subscribers. I thought about a podcast. I thought about using other people’s articles. Neither of those alternatives felt right.

One night as I was falling asleep I realized that the struggles I was having with writing might be related to the struggles of finding a life path. I thought that if I wrote about my writing struggles, I might be able to say something useful about finding your life path. Thus was born

LOST HIGHWAY BLUES RULES OF THE ROAD

My friends know that I have certain principles for living my life. One of them is Rubin’s Principle of Vacations. This principle states that, when I go on vacation, I never go from a warmer place to a colder place.

When I think about how I found my life path and how the people I work with have found theirs, I realize that I have developed some general guidelines for this, as well. In this and the following editions of this newsletter, I’ll talk about some of these principles and how they might apply to your life. So, here is the first Lost Highway Blues Rule of the Road:

DON’T DO WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT (Just Because You’re Good At It)

When I was in junior high school, I didn’t know how to talk about my deepest feelings. I began writing poetry as a way to express them.

I turned in some of my poems for English class assignments. My teachers loved them. They submitted them to writing contests and had me read them in class. Before I knew it, I had become known as a writer.

The problem, as I discovered over the next few years, was that I didn’t like to write-not on a regular basis, at least. I had started to write out of emotional need. When the need was less urgent-because I had people to talk to or music to listen to or activities that felt emotionally meaningful-I had no desire to write. But I kept on writing because I expected it of myself and others expected it of me.

My writing probably helped me get into college. So, even though I was most interested in studying religion, I took a creative writing class my freshman year. I found the class very difficult. When other students read their work in class, I felt that writing came naturally to them. I was laboring at it and still not doing very well.

After much internal struggle, I decided to give up creative writing. I had to deal with many emotions-a sense of failure, a loss of identity, a worry that I had disappointed my English teachers. Mostly, however, I felt a tremendous sense of relief.

You should feel relief, not grief.

Are doing what you’re doing just because you’re good at it and not because you’re passionate about it? Are you thinking about giving it up and doing something different?

One sign that you’re making the right decision is a sense of relief. If you feel relieved about what you’re giving up -not that you really miss it, not that you’re longing to get back into it, not that you’re envious of the people who still do it-there’s a good chance that it’s not your path.

“I want to do something different. I know it’s the right decision. But I don’t feel relieved.”

If you’re pretty sure you’re making the right decision and you don’t feel relieved, there may be other issues involved. You may feel guilty. You may be worried that you will disappoint other people. You may be anxious about giving up something that you know how to do for something less certain.

There are many reasons that people can make a decision that’s right for them but not feel good about it. If you genuinely believe that you’re making the right decision but you still feel conflicted about it, psychotherapy can help you resolve your conflicts and feel good about your decision.

“I’ve quit things before with a sense of relief only to regret my decision later. I don’t think the feeling of relief is a trustworthy guide to making life decisions.”

You’re absolutely right. The sense of relief is one sign that you’re on the right track but it can never be the only one. In upcoming articles, I’ll talk about other ways to figure out if you’re heading in the right direction to finding your life path.

That said, however, I think it’s usually a mistake not to question whether you want to keep doing what you’re doing if you’re dissatisfied and your main reason for continuing to do it is that you’re good at it.

I welcome all comments and questions. Though you will have to provide an email address, your comments can be anonymous. I also screen all messages so this will be a safe place to post.